Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A NEW DAY

I don't want to create panic or pandemonium.  I am NOT a doctor nor have I pretended to know anything about really much of anything other than what is happening in my life.  And, in my brain.
Or NOT.


I'm not trying to be the Orson Welles of the internet generation by duplicating what happened with a little radio broadcast on October 30, 1938.


(I wonder if Orson was attracted to the work of H.G. because their surnames are so similar..... sorry, folks.... prior foundation already in place under the category of "these are the stupid things that I become obsessed with for no apparent reason")  And, before that turns into one of my infamous internet detours, wherein I will waste several hours to garner MORE bits to add to my font of already useless information, I AM fighting CB for control of MY brain.  And I intend to win.


There is an element of this chemobrain thing that, at times, causes just a teeny bit of distress. STRESSING here (No!  Not THAT stress-the stress that means "emphasis"), the words A TEENY BIT because this is just me thinking aloud.  Months back when I was on that Cancer Connect call, a question was asked during the Q&A that had never even entered my mind.  I don't remember the answer.  I tend to think it was a "we can't be sure" type response.  I will go listen again but I'm just throwing out a fear here.  Not a BIG debilitating fear, just one of those occasional back of the mind things that hits the forefront every so often.  Primarily when my CB allows it to travel on a pathway so I can remember.


The question was about the long term, late term and will they every go away term effects/affects of chemobrain.  Tim Ahles answered the question.  I remember who answered, no clue what he actually said.  The question was regarding a potential connection between THIS and dementia &/or Alzheimers.  It doesn't much matter exactly what was asked nor does it matter precisely how it was answered.


A thought was planted in my head.  Go ahead.  Do that little experiment with which we've all been challenged.  Think of an object or an animal.  Think of a roadrunner.  (I did see one up close and personal in Arizona back in February and it didn't run, there may be a picture on my phone-allow me to upload it)
Yes, it's a lousy exposure, but it's a real coyote and it was taken with my phone which I was supposed to have surrendered and I was in a no photo zone.  Sometimes, ya gotta do what you ain't supposed to do.

(should have fixed the caption, it's not a coyote, but my brain connects things together and does NOT let go. THESE are the subtleties of CB, the things that make people say, "I just don't SEE IT, you are fine."  No, I'm not because I did not make mistakes like this BC where it required in excess of ten read throughs to see the error.) 

And for the record, the internet detour I avoided about Welles v. Wells?  Ummm yeah, pretty much totally useless as I spent an hour figuring out how to upload the photo from my macbook.  I COULD have climbed the stairs (good weight bearing exercise, too) and just done it from the familiarity of my windows PC.  BUT NO, I was OBSESSED with figuring it out.  Windows won.  I did get the weight bearing exercise into the equation, still have no clue how to move the pictures around on the Macbook and maybe, in addition to "Twitter for Dummies" someone might provide me with "Mac for Dummies" too?  One hour wasted.  

Clearly, I am back in all my chemobrain glory.  It is A New Day* (annotation below).  My focus may have shifted.  My awareness may be more finely tuned.  My brain?  Same funny stuff.  And yes, it's mostly funny.  Or, I'd be in a ball somewhere.  Been there, done that and dispensed with the grief portion of the program (for now at least).  Take a trip down memory lane with me to the September 19th entry to see where the grief has been poured.

The thing is, to get back to the point I am trying to make so damn desperately, stop thinking about the coyote (ahem... roadrunner).  Just put it out of your head.  I dare you.  And I challenge anyone who claims to be successful in keeping it out of their head.  It may not be "right there" but the image will pop in and out for certain amount of time.

And so it is with the dementia question that was asked on that CancerConnect call.  Several of the medical things I have been reading about brain mapping and studies on the possibility of physical damage to "white matter" done by certain chemotherapy drugs can be a tad unnerving.  In certain medical articles, they reference the same area of the brain being affected as they see with Alzheimer's.  OK, so stop freaking.  I have.  First, it seems unlikely and second, if it happens, it's out of my hands.  I'm banking on the research to catch up to it if this ever so remote thought pans out the wrong way.  

Have you successfully kept that coyote* out of your head?  You will.  Likely within hours.  Just like I keep Alzheimer's and dementia out of my head.  And then, I see things and it's there again.  Some of the things are about research and the research that helps understand any part of the brain has the potential to trickle down and help with all sorts of other problems associated with the brain.  Seeing promising research makes me smile.

Two final thoughts.  First, every time you think of a coyote, I hope you will think of me and smile. And, when you think of a roadrunner, I hope you will laugh hysterically at the mess I made here with those two animals..... (I did see a coyote, too... but they are damn dangerous, very quick and I wouldn't even attempt a photo....just saying...)

And second, I've been on a musical journey while I was in my Several Days of Grief.  I have been in every genre and have spanned FIVE entire decades.  The new fist pumping stuff gets me jumping. And so does the old rock (the days a joint was smoked for fun and not to combat the side effects of the chemo that f*d with my brain).  And so does all the music in between.

A most honorable mention to a Grateful Dead song (I should have been chasing them around the country with my brother back in the day.... )
Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night
The first one's named sweet anne marie, and she's my heart's delight

First of all, that is precisely the way my name appears on my birth certificate.  With an "e" and a "space." Second of all, this is what happens when one becomes a "Friend Of The Devil."  (song title, don't read into that too deeply either if you happen to have any intimate familiarity with my life, sometimes, a song is just a song and a joke is just a joke.... and sometimes, it's not... )  And, by the way, those lighters in the air for "New York     New York     New York"...... my brother can share first hand (or you may do the google hunt)-those lighters were first raised in the air at the Grateful Dead concerts back in the day.  How or why the lighters in the air matter?  No clue.  Just more from The Font.

Musically speaking, I do know this.  Somewhere, someone is getting everything tonight while I'm on the edge of glory.  I did also learn that every silver lining has a touch of grey and I WILL get by, I will survive.  It's gonna be a new day, the stars have played their part, the past is gone and done, take time to think it out, the best is yet to come.


Pitbull, etal.                Give Me Everything
Lady Gaga                  Duh, Duh, Double Duh (actually, duh cubed)
Grateful Dead             Touch of Grey
Basia                         New Day For You




ps-apologies for the color coding to identify my songs. I haven't quite figured out the art of inserting a footnote directly from the post box rather than my usual mode of using ms word (for mac) and then pasting here.  in other words, you can add "HTML for Dummies" to the book list.

2 comments:

  1. Hey AnneMarie, how about if you post a blog without proof reading??? I always wonder just how many errors I actually make and would anyone actually notice. Yes, they will notice and I am getting so sick and tired of proof reading everything for hours!

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  2. Ya know what, Deb? I think I will actually do that....... just post up some raw material! I'm thinking here, too...... what happens in Vegas will stay in Vegas..... I'm working on it. I think I need to see you in action!!!! Thx for popping on over and letting me know you paid a visit!!! xoxox

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