I had a goal when I began blogging. I was determined to make a difference in the life of JUST one person. When I decided I was going to include myself as "just one person," I had a winning situation before I even posted the first entry. I think that was kinda sorta really VERY clever. I couldn't fail. No matter what I did, I set myself up for success. Immediate success.
Perhaps it was that "I can't lose attitude" that propelled me forward. I'm now all over the place. And I mean ALL over the place. A little reminder may be in order. This is AM in AD. I reside in what is aptly named for my circumstances despite the fact it is grammatically disgraceful. Anew Direction.
When the first person wrote that very first comment (and I was sure it wasn't a setup from my mom because, after all, that is most CERTAINLY something I would have done to boost my kid's confidence), I stared at the monitor with tears in my eyes. It was a simple sentence saying thank you because chemobrain was causing a problem for Sherry. She simply stated she could not seem to get her brain to function. In one short line, my real goal was achieved. Not that clever goal, but the idea that I was able to reach just one person and that one person was real and that one person knew she was NOT alone.
Weeks later when I saw another comment from someone in the UK who thanked me for "vindicating" her, I may have cried in a semi-uncontrollable fashion. She has been dealing with chemobrain since 2002. It wasn't that her comment was more powerful, it was reading that she has been living with this for so many years.
I know I am onto something. I can see the dozens of countries where this blog is being read and I'm pretty sure I don't have family on all of those continents. I've been contacted privately by a few people who I am sure are fearful of public admission of any sort of cognitive impairment. Careers are on the line and no better way to destroy a career than to give someone your own words on a silver platter so they may be twisted and used against you.
I got a bit sidetracked because I needed to make some noise about what is going on in the land of pink and the month of October. Since juggling is no longer part of my repertoire, I can't balance my irritation at pinkspectation I feel is placed squarely on the shoulders of those of us with breast cancer diagnoses, the fact that I am in the midst of my own doctor follow up season and my frustration when I am trying to understand the logic (or lack thereof) behind some of this October madness.
Shout out to NYS, too. Thanks for the summons for Jury Duty sandwiched in between two doctor appointments. Did you lose the letter from the doctor explaining I am a CANCER patient with NO working memory so how the F*&k do you think I am a candidate to be seated on a jury? Yes, I did need to add this sideshow to the mix. There isn't enough already heaped in my face. And yes, whatever small, minuscule responsibility I have in my former accounting life.... October 31? Not Halloween in these parts. That's a government deadline. Oh MY!
Add an unraveled marriage into the mix and how there may be the slightest attempt in play to put it back on track..... and the fear associated with "WTF should I do about that"........and then, just for fun...... how, at MY AGE, I found myself in a trendy NYC bar one evening only to have all of the male cast members of Jersey Shore saunter in......And I think, "Hey, didn't you post an entire entry poking fun at that show?" Chemobrain-cubed. The only thing missing from this mix is an appearance by Gaga serenading me so I can be certain I'm on the edge of something. Not too sure it's glory, feels more like a nervous breakdown, a train wreck or a life completely on auto pilot.
My brain may have abandoned me, but I haven't abandoned chemobrain. It just took a bit of a back seat for a spell.