Monday, October 17, 2011

MENTAL GYMNASTICS, ROUND 3

Today I have my final Brain Evaluation.  Since my brain was reduced to mush over the weekend, I fully expect I am going to perform horribly on the tests.

First, I had what I would describe as a rather monumental marital issue which has reduced me to a non functional heap of pretty deep pain, and seriously, I need to understand WTF is wrong with me to even ENTERTAIN a conversation with that guy but I'm still going to leave it at that.  Can't share, not ready, might be ready but too painful, may never be ready-too humiliating.... not sure AT ALL.

Item B?  My daughter's surprise visit.  She lives in Nashville.  It was so good to hear her voice as she came through the door and it felt great to give her a giant hug.  Sounds like it was pretty great, don't ya think?  And, it was.  Right up until she started to say words like BRCA test and information someone gave her about removing her ovaries to reduce her breast cancer risk by a certain percentage.

I don't know what she said the percentage was and I do know that BRCA testing is useless since neither of my BRCA mutations are known or identified cancer causers.  I just remember saying she was too young to consider removing her ovaries.  She said she wasn't thinking of doing that, but clearly, she had this conversation with someone.  Clearly, she is concerned.  Clearly, it's far easier to wrap her brain around removing her ovaries (at 26 years old) than it is to let her mind go "there."

Clearly, I am absolutely sick to my stomach at the thought of what is going on in her head.  That was Saturday.  The marital bullshit was on Sunday and it was epic.  THAT was a kick in the stomach and a punch to the head.

Sleep came somewhere around 3AM and I am heading off to an evaluation shortly.  Can I POSSIBLY get this shit out of my head and focus?  I can't focus when I have zilch on my plate and now I have two major emotional and stressful distractions to pile on the heap.  Yay Me. YAY. YAY. YAY.....

Let's just continue in the theme of things that create stress in the lives of the cancer people...... I mean, as long as I'm on this path anyway, let's just keep it coming.  Still wondering about the low grade fever and thinking about the antibiotics that had to be changed.  What is going on and WHY am I still not right?  I'm going with, "There's a bug going around."  And that would be just fine, EXCEPT:
  
Tomorrow, I have my routine oncology appointment.  Those looming appointments ALWAYS screw with my head.  Even though I fully expect everything is fine and will stay fine, unless, of course, I do have leukemia...... oncology appointments require no further elaboration/explanation.  If you get it, you get it.  And if you don't, you never will.  And hopefully, you never WILL.  This club is big
e-f'ing-nough.

The point?  If this is the only entry on this blog the entire week, I'm cutting myself a wide path of slack.

I DO want to share the amazing experience I had kicking off the NY Avon Walk.  I met some wonderful people from all over (including a woman from Australia) and Cow Guy (you'll have to wait, I have pictures and HE is an unbelievable human being).  It was emotional and I wasn't really part of the event.  I was there to recruit for Army of Women.  And, I'm happy to share that over 200 people signed up. And a handful of those people were men.  Real men can join the Army of WOMEN.  Cow Guy is definitely a real man.  And I do promise to share the wonderful day I had in the heart of NYC, as soon as my brain re-enters my head.

4 comments:

  1. AnneMarie,
    Wow, you had quite the weekend didn't you? Sorry about the bad parts. Glad you had a mostly nice surprise visit from your daughter. As a mother of a daughter of about the same age as yours, I totally understand your worries. Also, sons, of which I have two, are not immune from carrying on my tainted genes. I try not to worry about all that too much. I'm sure your daughter will make the best decisions she can. Sorry about the marital stress thing. Good luck with your oncology appt and I hope you feel better soon. Glad you had an amazing experience with the walk. I haven't been able to bring myself to participate in any of that yet...

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  2. Thanks, Nancy,
    I didn't participate in the walk. I was at the hotel where the walkers and crew had to check in with the Avon folks. We just recruited for AOW. I don't know how to gauge the success of an event but I think 200+ sign ups was pretty good!
    And yes, Nancy-this weekend was certainly far from ordinary! My test is done and I am waiting for a follow up training program. I had the real stuff. Good thing.... :) or I'd feel like a total dummy...

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