Friday, October 28, 2011

A SPECIAL VISIT

This is it.  The final weekend of October madness.  Then, life can return to normal.  The problem?  I don't think I know what "normal" means.  And, I'm not going with "The New Normal."  I'm getting cranky about certain phrases and THAT happens to be one of them.  Seems almost oxymoronic.  Can't quite get my brain to decide but I just know I've heard it so many times, it's become irritating. 

What began in July as a means of, for lack of a better description, getting out of my own way in an attempt to find my way, has turned into a way of life.  MY life.

I was born with this, "That's just not fair," thing ingrained in my personality.  And, I get it.  Life isn't fair. But some things are within our power and others are completely out of our control.  The fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Out of my control.  

I know from support groups and from lots of the reading there are women who truly believe they could have prevented the disease.  Fortunately, I am not in that group because honestly, I beat myself up about enough really REALLY stupid stuff.  If I blamed myself for my breast cancer diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I would have already hurled myself from the roof of Sloan Kettering during one of my visits over the course of the past five years.

The fact that my marriage was unraveling at warp speed over these past 15 months?  It took a bit of time, but for the first bunch of months, I DID blame myself for that.  And then, I didn't.  I did lots of introspective thinking.  Yoga helped tremendously.  Awareness.  Finding that quiet place within myself to determine what rings true to me, for me, for my life.  A great therapist helped me to keep things in perspective.  Not gonna lie, a shot of tequila or vodka was definitely part of the mix plenty of times along the way.  It wasn't all zen and psychobabble, it was fun and girlfriend power, too.  It was a good balance. Mostly. Except for that night I found myself in the bar with those Jersey Shore guys.  That was the "it's time to grow up already" awareness.


The marital situation is not something I was ever even comfortable mentioning, but we are working on "it" and whatever will happen, is going to happen.  What I have taken away from the last 15 months is that I unknowingly began to follow the advice in the commencement address delivered by Steve Jobs at Stanford.  


Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped ... living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. 


I was trapped and I didn't even realize it.  Once I became aware I wasn't following that little voice inside me, I began to reach out in many directions.  I took what was out of my control, my breast cancer diagnosis and I made a decision to turn the single most negative chapter of my life into "something."  Somehow, I was going to make something lousy into something meaningful.  


It began with this blog and then volunteering at the hospital and becoming a part of a twitter community and attending events to help grow the Army of Women..... How?  Why now?  What made me listen to my own intuition?  Who the hell KNOWS!  It may have been a meditative yoga moment, could have been an aha therapy moment but I'm thinking it was more along the lines of one of those brilliant ideas that come from a drunken stupor.  


The thing is, I just went with "it" even if I am still not quite sure where "it" is taking me.  I caught the wave and I'm still riding that wave.  I have tentacles stretching in many directions but I'm confident my heart will lead me in the right direction.  Hopefully, my brain will cooperate!  I know I feel more fulfilled in that soulful kinda way than I think I have ever felt in my entire life. 

Next week, coincidentally, I will be meeting the young lady who wrote that piece explaining how to let go and ride the wave.  We've never spoken or skype'd.  Our communication has been via email and twitter.  She will be in NY because she had a thought and she went with it.  She inspires me and her words continue to inspire me to just "go with it." Things that are all over the place will begin to gel together and the fuzziness will begin to come into focus.  Just like they did for Terri.


Terri Wingham is one adventurous and courageous young woman.  She took the concept of knowing what is within one's power to a level I can't even imagine!!  Terri is in pursuit of her Big Hairy Audacious Dream and I can not wait to see the dream unfold.


When I grow up, IF I grow up, I want to be JUST LIKE HER.  








2 comments:

  1. Love those speaches by Steve Jobs that are becoming as immortal as the technology he brought to the world.

    Thanks for this post- so where I need to be today. I don't know what is happening and I don't know where it is taking me- and I gotta just "go with it". Let go, let be, and live.

    Love, Kel

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  2. Kel,
    I love the commencement address, too! I understand the bio is great. He had no input on the content. None.

    Stay in the moment. Keep talking and I'm glad abt the herceptin status. More options=great news!!!

    xoxo
    AnneMarie

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