Tuesday, January 3, 2012


It was the best of years, it was the worst of years.  2011.  My Life.  The Tale of Two Cities..... To be fair, I never read the novel.  To be honest, while I might LOVE to attempt to crack the spine of a Dicken's classic, my brain is revolting at the hinting whisper that crossed my brain.  A quick Wiki detour later, my brain is now mocking me.  "You MUST be kidding. Keep up with those plot lines-those twists of fate with the characters?  Dream on, girlfriend.  Dream ON....."

Mostly, all the reflections are over.  Except, of course, MINE.  I've spent the week reading.  I gave my brain a much needed rest.  I needed to recharge for a new year.  I don't do resolutions.  Haven't done that since..... I'm thinking here...... ummm, since birth?  Never.  I'm not That Girl.  Do I honestly need the stroke of a the hand of a clock for self admonishment?  I'm sure there is a list of "common resolutions" and I will leave it to you to seek it out.  Google should probably produce a list of nine million answers in one thousandth of a millisecond.  I will guess that high on that list I would find weight loss, exercise and quit smoking.  Did you check?  Am I right?

My preference is to live in the moment.  To stay present in the moment.  This is not to say I should be without goals or lacking motivation to strive for those goals, but in each moment, I am learning to stay fully engaged.  You get my drift here?  I'm the person who would go for a facial and despite the soft music, dim lights, hint of aromatherapy and the warmth of the blankets would never quiet my racing mind to enjoy that moment.  I'm paying some decent money to sit for 50 minutes and I can't disengage??

I am obsessed and can't stop thinking about what an oily mess my hair will be when I head to the next place.  Perhaps I will have time to run into the shower?  I need to pick up the dry cleaning.  What am I preparing for dinner?  Better remember to check my phone to see if there is another appointment later in the day.  I just KNOW I am going to bump into the most pulled together bitch when I walk out of here.  The neighborhood Queen Bee.  The one whose hair is perfectly coiffed (did I really just pull that word out of thin air???), nails impeccably manicured, makeup applied with professional artistry, outfit coordinated including the sylish boots (are those red soled Loubies?) and the quirky and insanely priced "must have" bag of the season to pull the whole "look" together.  Yeah.  I'm definitely bumping into that bitch.  Probably when I exit this building.

That was January 1, 2011.  Today?  I got my own look.  The oily hair, freshly scrubbed somewhat blotchy face and a confidence that says, "You may look great, honey, but I got it all goin' on."  You can only be the Queen Bee if I'm a Wanna Bee.  And, I'm not.  So THERE.  One year later.  The year began as "the worst of years" and that carried over from 2010. Somewhere during the first half of 2011, I truly immersed myself with this zen stay in the moment stuff.  Live in the moment.  Projecting "what next" is a giant waste of emotional energy.  So WHAT about the bitch in the burbs with the perfect life.

If I am to be honest, December 31, 2011 was remarkably similar to December 31, 2010.  Groundhog Day?  Not for me.  It was Groundhog YEAR.  The events surrounding my life bear a striking resemblance to the events that surrounded me one year ago.  The difference?  Me.  I am different.  The circumstances may still be somewhat sucky.  There are still things I can't/won't share beyond saying that none of us exists in a vacuum.  The lives of our loved ones and our interactions with them trickle (or in my case, the force of the trickle is more akin to Niagra Falls) into our own lives.  The result of the impact is a function of the "severity" of the circumstance.  I'm speaking in tongues.  Let's move on.  Minus the zen stuff.

No resolutions for me.  Just ways in which I would like to live my life.  Slow and steady.  Little improvements.  Things that will fulfill me on all levels: emotionally, personally, intellectually.  What can I do to make a difference?  How might I be a kinder person?  What qualities do I love in certain people and how can I strive to emulate my heroes.  Dave Hodgson is one of those heroes for staring down what he knew was an almost certain death and yet he was a beacon for all of us.  If he impacted the twitter community with his sharp wit and inspiring tweets in the way he did, I can't begin to imagine what his presence did for the lives of the people who had the honor of knowing him in the brick and mortar world.  Dave lived in Dubai via the UK.  He traveled to Chicago for experimental treatment.  He died just hours before the new year.

Rob Harris who is a caregiver and champions a cause for other caregivers is a constant source of amazement to me.  Not only is he caregiver to his wife, he has now taken on the role of "Caregiver to the Caregivers."  They are the unsung heroes.  The Caregivers.  How may I use my energy to guide others through the path I've already traveled?  It was paved by millions of women before me and sadly, there are many more behind me.  How can I be of help to those who are just stepping into this mess, or, those who are just stepping into LimboLand which has its own set of unique and somewhat unsettling challenges?  Mainly, what can I do to make that path just Go. Away. Already.???  I can get involved, I can be vocal, I can be tenacious.

I am going to follow Phillipa's lead.  She blogs at Feisty Blue Gecko and for Phillipa, resolution comes in the form of selecting three words...... never mind...... I'd prefer you read it for yourself.  I'm working on my three words and by this Friday, I will determine those words that will be my guiding force through the next twelve months.

(As I'm preparing to get this ready to post on the morning of January 3, I am one hour away from participating in a tweet chat about this very topic.  Resolutions are so 2011.  Three guiding words are replacing resolutions for the BCSM tweeps gang.  I have a list of several started.  The chat may help me clarify those that are most pertinent for me as I begin the new year.)

What began as The Worst of Years (I am SO not kidding...... SO NOT KIDDING) ended on the highest note possible.  It WAS The Best of Years.  It was the year I found me.  Not the me the world wants me to be, the ME I am supposed to be.... living my life, doing what stirs my passion.  And this week is kicking off in spectacular fashion.  More about that as it all unfolds.  Going to start that word list so I can whittle it down to just three.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I began 2011 excavating.  THAT sucked.  By the middle of the year, I was preparing the materials for a foundation.  That was a bit frightening.  By he end of 2011, that foundation was poured.  THAT was exciting.

2012: I will set the cornerstone and begin construction....... THAT will be exhilarating.

And the chat did indeed give me clarity.  The way I am choosing to proceed during the Reconstructing of AnneMarie?

Calm     Centered     Rebellious


  1. Hi AnnMarie,

    Loved this posting!! It was fun to be on the tweetchat with you and discuss the three words instead of resolutions (I'm working on my three words). Like you, I do not believe in resolutions. Instead, I just think of ways I can work on myself. And yes, kudos to caregivers, for they are unsung heroes.

  2. Thanks to both of you for popping over and letting me know what you think.... Means LOTS to me.

    Off to yoga. And I WILL stay calm and centered and IN THE MOMENT. I'll save the rebel for another more appropriate situation!

  3. I enjoyed reading this post. I never quite know where your words will take me. And that's a compliment!! I loved the statement, "Resolutions are so 2011!" Very funny. I'm working on my three words too for my next post - probably Th or Fri. I'll be back to see what your words of choice are for sure. Happy New Year!

  4. Thanks, Nancy-thanks Liza! I can't claim "resolutions are so 2011" as mine. Someone tweeted that (or a form of it) when talking about the upcoming #bcsm chat last night. I thought that was funny, too. And I'm laughing at your observation about never quite knowing where my words will take you. I never know where my fingers are going to take me.... and sometimes, I just let them fly....

  5. I've been leaving my three words all over the blogosphere! Peace. Gratitude. Clarity!

    Happy New Year, AM! I wish for the most wonderful things for you!

  6. Hi RENN!!!
    Wonderful things for YOU, too! I do love your words..... Clarity would be the most important one for me in an attempt at "productive daily living" but gratitude and peace.... yep, that works in every aspect of every day.

    Happy New Year!


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