Friday, August 24, 2012

LANGUAGE ALERT. TWO PARAGRAPHS IN ...

Mom.  I'm sorry.  I know you don't like it when I curse in the blog but today is going to be a cursing kind of day.  This is a fair warning to anyone who is offended by graphic language or the really bad curse words.  I may use them all.  And, I could probably get even more offensive but I'll let those of you who might be inclined (on occasion) to use those really disgusting words to insert them for yourself.

Certain language lines I won't cross in my writing but there is a woman out there who earns that C word.  If we were all sitting in my kitchen, I'd say it freely.  And frequently.  And I'm sure there would even be some adjectives that might even be MORE offensive than "that word."  Yes.  For Sure.

This is to the person who is parading around somewhere with a driver's license bearing MY name, MY address, MY date of birth and HER photograph.  You are that word.  The C word.  Here's what I hope will be the quick version.  Two days ago, there was a message on my phone from a department store.  I am so immune to the fraud warning phone calls, I MIGHT have ignored the message.  Except, I don't use department store charge cards.  I have some.  But I try to keep things on one or two credit cards.

I have chemobrain.  I can't deal with all these different bills coming at me from a dozen directions.  My finances and my bill paying abilities have taken a hit from the chemo cocktail.  My brain evaluation identified issues primarily around numbers.  The focus, the ADD, the "getting started" ..... those are all bonus round add ons that have piled into my brain over time.

This lovely woman gets on the phone with me, looks up my account and asks me if I was in the store on August 10.  Two things cross my mind immediately.  WHY are you calling me twelve days later AND, you must be kidding me if you think I can recall if I happened to be in a certain store on a specific day two weeks prior.  I don't know where I was an hour ago. Is this woman nuts?  When I actually grabbed my trusty iPhone to check the calendar, it begged the question:  "Who is more nuts.... the woman asking the question or YOU, looking at a phone calendar?

No, I tell the woman.  I'm fairly sure I wasn't in the store on that day.

"The sales associate made several attempts to get the purchase to go through, but the ID number on the driver's license didn't match the number we have on file."

Now, I'm getting a bit concerned.  "You mean to tell me someone was in the store with a license bearing my information and someone else's photograph??"

"Yes.  Let me look at what happened.  When the ID number on the license didn't match, we asked her a few security questions and she didn't answer them correctly.  The sales associate made another attempt to complete the transaction and it went to the next level of security questions."

I'm pretty sure I was catching flies with my open mouth by this point and I was definitely not fully comprehending what I was hearing.  First, WHY was the sales associate attempting the purchase again and second, the next level of security questions?  I've been ID'd using that next level of questions.  If you haven't, let me just say they are frightening.  Things like "which one of the following is a street where you NEVER lived?"  And, three of the streets are from my past.  And I'm talking like 30 years ago, PAST.  It's Big Brother, George Orwell scary.

And it gets better.  "Oh, there are some additional notes here.  Did you request an increase in your credit limit on this account?"  Now I'm CERTAIN I was no where near this store.  I have been known to drop entire "episodes" from my life but there was too much detail being provided by this positively wonderful woman who was trying to help me sort this out. And, she didn't even know about the chemobrain....  "No.  I've never ever ever requested a credit increase on any credit card. In.My.Life."  The bank would occasionally notify me...... "Congratulations, we have raised the limit on your card," but those increases were never as a result of something I initiated.

Moving right along, "Wait.  I see a jewelry account was opened in the store."  Now I'm beginning to get really (sorry mom) FUCKING pissed off.  "Jewelry???"  Again, who knew you could open a separate "jewelry account" on a department store charge.  Had she said handbags.... well, I have this thing for fine Italian leather bags because my own initials are enough (that is the tagline of my very favorite line of bags)...... or shoes because I'm still jonesin for those Loubies..... it would make perfect sense.  But jewelry?  I don't buy myself jewelry.  My jewelry?  All gifts.  Even if they are "I'm sorry" gifts. And, for what it's worth, my current favorite piece was an "I owe you" gift.  For now, we'll just leave that right there.  It's a story for another day.  Maybe.

This bitch, the one parading around with my information on a phony driver's license wreaked total havoc on my evening. First, 45 minutes on the phone with the department store.  It was a whole process to CLOSE the account because even though I could answer all the first line security questions, the account was compromised.  Specific procedure had to be followed and she needed to generate those Orwellian questions.  Except they wouldn't generate.  Why?  They take 24 hours to regenerate.  "That's odd.  They should generate new questions.  After all, this was already almost two weeks ago."

My brain may be compromised but there's still a bit of Dick Tracy in there.  Was someone generating those questions in ANOTHER situation within the past 24 hours trying to hack into my life elsewhere?  Is that why the questions weren't working?  Femara flashes quickly turned to droplets of nervous sweat despite the fact that you can hang meat in my house. Ultimately, the account was closed, Trans Union was called.  My credit is now blocked by all three credit bureaus AND, I have to keep the monitoring service on my credit for a few months.

Whoever you are, running around as me..... let me just tell you a little about yourself.  You are so determined to BE ME..... Take the fucking license, take my identity and while you're at it, there are a few other strings attached you stupid bitch.

  • How would you like to be running around with amputated tits.
  • Wait til you see how annoying these implants can be.  It really sucks to have NO sensation at all in a highly erogenous zone UNLESS you are itching like a mo-fo.
  • Ready for the bi-annual MRI, bitch?
  • Implants are in five years.  Good shot you will be back in an operating room at some point within the next 3 years for a new set of implants.  The anesthesia part is fun but having that muscle messed with is gonna fuck you up for a long time.  
  • Tattoo's are beginning to fade.  Even though I didn't feel pain, there was a sensation.  You ready to sit in the docs office knowing when they finish one side, you get to start the process all over again on the other side?
  • How about the fact that you look like a woman but every female body part is in a medical waste field somewhere..... And I do mean EVERY part so the surgeon had to rework your anatomy.  I'm sure you have NO clue how great THAT is.
  • You into pills?  Hope so since there's a whole host of shit in the daily pill case.  The smallest pill of all will wreak havoc like you've never seen.  Femara flashes, thinning hair and skin, bone loss.
  • Almost forgot, this massive dental issue thanks to upper jaw bone loss.  That situation is likely leading to something called a sinus lift so your entire face doesn't collapse.  All cancer related and good luck getting the insurance company to pay one red cent.  We're talking enough work to purchase a luxury automobile.  If the money part of it isn't upsetting enough, how about the fact that this is going to be months and months of MORE "medical" visits.  And you hate the dentist. He's a great guy, but the dentist office is a PTSD zone.  This is gonna be great.
  • Then there's the whole cancer thing and that looking over your shoulder shit.
  • I have a few personal issues going on, too.  Some relationship shit.  Frankly, it's beginning to take a bit of a toll on me so I'll gladly let you take that on and do the work to finish putting my personal life back in order.
Yeah, didn't think so.  Lose the license.  THEN I'll tell you about all the really really REALLY great parts of my life because in the scheme of things, for now, the good far outweighs all of this shit.  But, I got this brain shit going on..... and seriously DUDE.... I just didn't need to be thrown off my game when I can't keep my head in the game... hell, I can't even get my head into the game to begin with.

Thanks a fucking lot.  I really needed a dose of aggravation to take with my bulleted list of bullshit.

Happy shopping you stupid whore.




Now.... I would like to apologize to anyone who might have been offended by my language.  Sometimes, a good curse session is the only thing that will do.  This is one of those sometimes......

30 comments:

  1. Wow! It really seems to get better. If only it was as easy as giving her your real life. And I was waiting for more foul language, you did a good job! Ugh!! And wtf???

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    1. Yes, I was pretty foul in my head. Had to control my fingers. We really should have been in the kitchen because that's the congregation room in ALL Italian families. THEN, if my nana were still here, she would be leading the bandwagon with the really good stuff. IN English. On her 90th birthday, she got pissed off about something and I still laugh at the string of words that came out of her mouth at the end of the night.... There were five of us at the table: Nana, her two daughters, my daughter and me. Four generations of females learning from the wise family elder!

      xoxox

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    2. Anne,
      You were named right. Can't tell you how much I miss Nanny's words of wisdom.
      xoxoxox

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    3. I will definitely make a private page of the shit she said...... The really good shit..... The stuff that even I WOULDN"T think of.....

      Yes.... I wear my name with pride..... a reverse of yours and a part of hers. Who knew? For many years it would seem, I should have been the namesake of my other Nana.... more diplomatic. Instead, my sister, the outspoken one, has her name.... She might be outspoken but apparently, and I'm not quite sure how this happened, but I'm the one with the big mouth.

      Might have been that can she hurled at my head when we were tiny girls.... Finally knocked some sense into my brain after all of these years...

      Love you, Mom...
      xoxox

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    4. Ok our little connections are crazy! I was named after my crazy Italian grandmother who on her 90 bday not only told us all to eat shit and die it was her bday and she wanted cake first! But whe she blow out the candles her false teeth went too. It was hilarious and we have the picture to remember the event. We were all laughing so hard we didn't notice that she took a fork and was eating the cake straight out of the flat, didn't even cut it. She helped raised me and I miss her crazy especially through this stupiddumbbreastcancer!

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  2. You were way to nice to the b*tch. My mother reads my blog and fb posts. Sometimes it makes me feel like a teenager again...

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    1. Caroline....

      (Sorry again, mom) ...... Sometimes, I am cautious about what I say... sometimes, like when my sister had a "scare" a few months ago and we were hiding it from mom, I want to share but I can't have her worrying.... Then, mom had her own scare and SHE was hiding it from the rest of the family so I couldn't OUT her in public...

      THEN, there are just plain other things..... but, I would be "underground" to tell some of those stories to protect the innocent!!

      xoxox

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  3. This is one of the most disturbing things to happen. As if we don't have enough to contend with, let's pile a little more crap on top of it. I'm on your band wagon with this. Let the little C join the BIG C circle and see what that is all about. I really hope she's caught and get what she deserves. Mom xoxoxo
    PS Another bump in the road to make you even stronger than you already are.

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    1. Ohhhhhhh, MOM! Very good.... connecting the little c to the BIG C......

      I like that......

      xoxox

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  4. That's awful, and another "C" word: creepy. I'm glad you were able to stop it.

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    1. Heeeyyyyyy ABBBBOOOTTTTT.....

      Hope you are having a great summer wind-down. Yes, CREEPY. The more this woman on the phone began to dig and fill in the pieces, the more I began to get creeped out.

      My daughter wanted to know something and I'm sure the answer lies in the ACLU somewhere..... "Why didn't they pretend they were obtaining the credit and have security detain her to get the license?" Good damn question..... Smart kid.

      Love ya,
      Lou

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  5. You feel violated.....robbed of your person-hood because someone is trying to be you.
    I hope you called your SSI Office right away informed them Also the Police.
    I'm sorry this happened to you it once happened to me too .. you never really get over someone trying to steal your identity. Stupid cow!!

    Love Alli XXX

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    1. Violated... YES... who is this person.... UNbelievable.....

      Everyone is notified..... It just freakin sucks....

      Didn't really need this although it did spur me to pay close attention to the credit card bills I am NOT opening on time. EVER....

      xoxoxox

      Paris.... Love..... I'm living vicariously through you... just sharin'

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  6. Ann Marie,

    Sometimes a little (or lots of) cursing is called for. Sometimes it's even necessary. Yes, this is definitely one of those times! I'm doing a bit right now on your behalf!

    So sorry this happened.

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    1. Thanks, Nancy....

      I wanted to finish the week with a feel good story but the fact is... I realize there was lots of anger to release so maybe it's best I had an "imaginary" person to scream at....

      xoxox

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  7. Oh sure ... this all has to go down while I'm off the radar this week and haven't been able to call. I am SO sorry to hear about all of this but glad you have a safe place to vent (because I don't get jury duty again for another 4 years and I don't have the $ to bail you out of jail if this piece of human garbage had the misfortune of crossing your path).

    This is distressing on so many levels, including one you omitted: it represents (yet another) situation where you had no control -- and we already live with that every day.

    Let me know how I can help, though it sounds like things are under control for now. It sounds like you've connected with all the right touch points (credit bureaus, etc.) but I think you may also be able to file a police report.

    Big Hugs to you, AM. XOXO

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    1. Thanks BA....

      Yeah... no going off the grid EVER again.... civic duty or otherwise.... :)

      Yes... NO control. It did trigger those feelings as I was listening to this situation going deeper and deeper..... I don't get upset when they say "someone tried to complete an internet purchase" but to hear this customer service woman going from one thing to the next to the JEWELRY account..... Yikes.....

      Hugs to you.. xoxox

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  8. This is a rape, no question. I can identify with all those bullet points you posted, and want to put a bullet through someone right now. And those relationship issues? Yes, ma'am, I got those, too. Sorry you have to go through all this. But we are there for you. No question. xox

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    1. Jan,

      The bullet remark just made me laugh. As for knowing how many people have my back? It never ceases to amaze me .... the bonds that have been made here.

      xoxox

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  9. AnneMarie, I am really awfully sorry that this happened to you. Enough is going on already. It's very scary. I had my personal information stolen by calling in payment towards a medical bill. They caught the guy and I got lucky....but will forever be monitoring my credit.

    It does feel like an immense violation. Had my apartment broken into years and years ago, and this that you are facing must feel like that ...a personal infringement of not only your information, but person.

    They should catch her because of surveillance cameras and they will. Most criminals are very stupid, and I hope she is caught.

    In cancerland we are consumed with protecting ourselves from ignorant docs or bad medicine or whatever, and when something like this happens it just completely overloads our systems. We are living on the edge already, exposed and vulnerable...yet we must be strong and pro-active to keep the beast away.

    I pray for you sweetie...hang in there and visualize justice.

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    1. Denise,

      Thanks so much.... yes.. it does feel like I'm being controlled by another and that really does suck. Being "on guard" can be exhausting and this really shocked me. I don't know WHY... but it did. And then, obviously, it got me pretty damn angry.....

      Venting here about taking the whole thing..... "you want it, you GOT it" ..... made me feel better.....

      Visualizing justice is a good tool.....

      xoxox

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  10. I am so sorry that is happening to you, but I have to say your telling of it was the funniest thing I have read in a minute. I feel sorry for this person if you ever lay eyes on them. Thank you for making me feel a little bit better today. You are a great writer.

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    1. oh.. one more thing. I signed up for Army of Women today with cred to your blog for awareness. Not one mention of that in all of my surg appts and chemo treatments. Maybe they are waiting til Im finished. ha. Bethesda isn't all its cracked up to be. Regardless, thanks and Ill be forwarding. Donna

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    2. Hi Donna,

      See... THIS makes me smile. To read that this made you feel a bit better--that is what this blogging thing was all about. I am especially thrilled to see you joined Army of Women. The more women that can be notified about research projects, the quicker they will be filled. Thanks so much for sharing this with me!

      Hugs to you!

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  11. AM, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but i gotta hand it to you for writing an awesome blog about it! If only you could drop some of your unwanted cargo on that %$#@!! I hope all is settled soon.
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Renn.....

      It will be find, I'm sure... there's a mess of "other crap" going on ..... that conversation will have to wait for another day.....

      xoxox

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  12. AnneMarie,

    This identity theft and fraud is complete shit (sorry AnneMarie's mom if you are reading this comment). Anyway, that person should be in jail and, yeah, if she's taking your identity, then she should have your cancer-related problems. I'm so sorry you've had to endure this garbage. That's what it is, you know, garbage. I'm glad you used your fabulous writing abilities to bitch-slap this person into Kingdom Come. (Sorry again to AnneMarie's mom).

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    1. Bitch slapped into Kingdom Come. I LOVE that!

      Poor mom.... she can curse with the best of us... and oftentimes, she DOES..... And it's mostly when someone tries to inflict any sort of pain on any of us (the kids and the grandkids).

      She isn't fond of the cursing for "posterity" ...... Unless, of course, it's called for. This definitely called for it!

      Thanks, Beth!

      xoxox

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  13. I have no idea if you read comments from the past. I just saw this and got the best laugh I've had in a long long time. I'm sorry - not laughing at your misfortune but the way you told it is absolutely priceless. Connecting completely with 4 generations of Italian women sitting in the kitchen over a cup of coffee and "Nanna's" cookies. There's almost no place I'd rather be right now. And the story of the teeth flying out of Nana's mouth is hysterical. I do hope if you read this your "c" friend has been caught and your life is on a better track. I know you've been through a hurricane/snow storm. I don't know many people that live a life as exciting as you do. As I've told you before. . .
    from Chicago Italian to New York Italian with much love
    Nataline

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    1. Yes, Nataline...
      I do read comments from the past.... Blogger keeps the comments in the order they are POSTED which is a big help for Miss Disorganization! My life is just one big ball of excitement.... I was beginning to think I was one of "those people" ... you know... inventing things to be the drama magnet...

      I've strong armed a therapist more than once... begged him... "Tell me I'm being a drama queen... PLEASE" .... He keeps laughing right along side me.... And then, he helps me refocus!

      xoxox

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