Monday, September 17, 2012

MENTAL HEALTH DAY

This is me calling in sick, today.  I need a mental health day.  Yesterday was NOT a good day.  I was an outsider .....  a non-family member, non-friend or other loved one, either.  I was there because of a business relationship.

I witnessed grief so raw and SO WRONG, I will take the images with me to my grave.

Let me just say that no one should ever bury a child.  EVER.  This was a healthy, adorable three year old.  It was sudden and no cause has been determined.  It will be weeks before there are any answers.  IF there will ever be answers.

No words to describe any of it.

And tomorrow is mom's PET scan.  WHICH, for the record, I fully expect to be a big, giant nothing but that doesn't really make SCANXIETY any easier.

Back tomorrow....... and if not, you will know I'm still trying to regroup from all of this.

Hold your loved ones especially close.  And then, just a little closer still.

Love,

AnneMarie


11 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for all of this anguish and the agony of a child's death. I can understand why you need a mental health break. Just know we will be here when you come back.

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  2. dear anne marie,

    you must feel so wounded, so bereft. i was a hospice nurse for 30 years, and even in a professional role, when a child died, their death and the suffering of their loved ones was etched into my inner core. i can never stop asking, "why?". perhaps there is some value in our paying witness to that kind of unbearable and shattering and paralyzing grief. perhaps it's only that by doing so, in the grand scheme of things, some elusive mysterious energy recognizes the heart that hurts on behalf of those afflicted, that yearns to, in even some small manner, take upon ourselves a portion of that grief. and maybe, without our ever knowing it, our desperate wish to offer ourselves up in that way is fulfulled; having love and empathy and the deepest desire for respite from the anguish felt by the baby's mom and family and friends may be all we ever have to offer. but you've done a good thing by posting this horribly sad story; your reminders to hold our children close...then closer, and describing how badly you've felt will elict those same wishes, yearnings, and desires for comfort and solace for the bereaved mom and family from legions of good-hearted and loving people who read your blog. sometimes in our darkest hours, when we wish we COULD DO SOMETHING, it is enough just to simply and quietly speak from our hearts and purposefully release our hopes and true desire for comfort and solace, with the belief they will find safe passage to the hearts of those to whom we address them.

    i will keep the grieving mother and family close to my heart, as i will you, annemarie. take all the break you need, and know that you have the love and support of so many people, many you have never met, but who i know, will be sending you wishes of comfort and love.

    warm hugs,

    karen sutherland

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  3. Dear Karen,
    You can not know what your words mean to me. I saw them last night just as I was getting ready to go to sleep. Beautifully spoken and a much needed reminder that there ARE people beyond the screen, that blogging and the world of social media is as real as it gets. Unlike the real world, we can dispense with the need to "put on appearances" and we can simply bare our souls. I think that is part of what creates such bonds and why those bonds are so meaningful.

    I can't thank you enough for reaching out. I needed to see this..... to be reminded.

    With love,

    AnneMarie

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  4. dear annmarie,

    it means so much to me that you replied with such generous and thoughtful and kind words. though i am only a commentor, i am so grateful to be able to read yours and many of your friends' blogs, and to have a voice to share my thoughts. and i do feel exactly the way you do - we are so fortunate to be able to express our true selves - the good, the bad and the ugly! i remember the day i found your blog - hah! i REMEMBER! the title, CHEMOBRAIN...IN THE FOG..., really grabbed my attention, as i was/am still having quite a ride through that very fog. but also, i am so thankful to you for raising so many issues i didn't know existed until i became a BC sister. i find your incredible abilities as a writer and as an activist, your courage and committment to throw yourself into the fray so beyond inspiring, so much so, that i am very proud to tell you that today i joined the army of women. so, dear lady, know that you are doing such good work, and please keep telling it as you see it in your own inimitable, and earnestly caring way.

    love,

    karen (sutherland)

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    Replies
    1. Dear Karen,

      Once again, you took my breath away. I didn't know many of these issues until I began blogging. And, I didn't realize I had chemobrain for at least a year before it all began to click. I am deeply touched by your words. Deeply. Seeing you joined Army of Women absolutely thrilled me.

      Love,

      AnneMarie

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  5. Oh AnneMarie wow, it is so sad and you express the loss of the three year old child with so much passion. There are so many unexplainable deaths, but when a parent loses a child it is so sad. When my brother died of esophageal cancer two years ago, the anguish of my mother is so deep. Even as his sister I wonder why and can find no logical reason. Just had to live through his dying. It was so hard to watch in eight months.But a sudden unexplainable death of a three year old is so raw. I love all of your posts and you write so beautifully and know how to express what you are thinking and feeling. I hope today is a better day. XoXoXo #fearless friend.

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    1. I am so sorry to read about your brother. That you watched had to be horribly painful. Seeing your mother in such anguish had to be even more horrible... and then, knowing that this dread disease is part of YOUR life, too. My gosh..... When is enough...ENOUGH????

      Much love,

      AnneMarie

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  6. I also want to add to the test anxiety. I have always said that cancer won't kill me, but waiting for test results will.

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